Curbing your negative thinking

Posted By Maryann Porosky On JULY 25,2017

At Caring Choices, we see it all the time. Deeply caring family members who get mired in a swirl of negative thinking. Of course, there is much about elder care that involves recognition and coping with loss. But our brains are hardwired to see the negative, and if we ruminate (churn negative thoughts over and over), it can become a habit that sets us backwards.

Consequences of excessive worry
People who gnaw the bone of worry often think it is helping them. They believe they need to spend a lot of time mulling over the situation in order to gain insight. More often, however, they end up

depressed. "Ruminators" are four times as likely to develop major depression than nonruminators are;
more limited in their sense of the options. Mulling a problem over and over actually reduces the ability to solve problems and find flexible solutions;
unable to take action. As a rule, ruminators lose confidence in their problem-solving abilities and hesitate to create a plan of action. When they do, they often feel paralyzed and are unable to take the necessary steps to carry it out;
alienated from friends. People who ruminate tend to reach out to others for support. At first, friends may feel compassion. Over time, however, they often grow weary. On a practical level, people stuck in the spiral of negative thinking actually receive less support from the people they are close to.

Who is at risk?
Women are definitely more susceptible to excessive worry. Other traits that tend to lead to rumination are those that often dovetail with family caregiving:

A strong focus on relationships. A caring personality and sensitivity to the happiness of others can lead one to worry about the problems of others, at the sacrifice of one's personal health and happiness.
Perfectionism. Wanting the best for your loved one, you may expect "the best" of yourself. Taken to an extreme, this can backfire, with little ability to make the grade.

The trap of negative thinking
The most common thinking patterns that lead to rumination (unconstructive worry) are

all-or-nothing thinking: believing everything is either all good or all bad;
catastrophizing: looking at a situation and convincing oneself that the worst is going to happen;
trash-talking yourself: comparing yourself to an ideal that you feel you have failed to meet.

Other destructive thought habits are

mind reading: guessing what people are thinking instead of asking them;
overfunctioning: assuming it's your fault if something is not going well— something you did or didn't do;
needing the approval of others: feeling happy only if you feel you are successfully pleasing others.

If you recognize your own thinking here, you are not alone! Many family caregivers are drawn to the role or have it pushed upon them, precisely because of these tendencies.

How to curb your negative thinking
Excessive worry is a habit. But it can be interrupted. Check out our July/August newsletter article for family caregivers, Curb your negative thinking.

Need help interrupting your negative thoughts?
It's easy to get bogged down when you feel alone or over your head with elder care issues. As the north New Jersey experts in aging well, we understand what you are going through. We also have guided many families through this journey and know of many options and solutions based on our training and experience. If you'd like to have an ally and get some help to make this chapter of your loved one's life the best it can be, give us a call at 973-627-4087. You don't have to do this alone.